Hello from the other side

I took 10 days off out the world and it was a mix between freaking out and feeling a non explainable inner peace. Thanks God I get along very well with myself. I need silence and time away from everyone as much as I need everyone around me 24/7. So, this has been an incredibly productive time for me this far. 

One of the hardest things for me to do is to stop daily life. I am a hyper active person and I am moved by daily work and activities. Is hard for me to stop everything and seat In front of the TV for example if my ideas are going 100Km per hour in my mind. 

But, I deliberated stopped the world around me on the last 10 days. I turned off my what’s app, my personal Instagram, I haven’t checked e-mails and texts messages for a while, exercise the patience and lived in the present moment. Which I must say, it’s getting harder and harder to do.

My anxiety reached the highest level since the social isolation began 4 weeks ago. Not because I can’t stay alone (I love being by myself by the way), but because not knowing when I’ll be able to go back to normal life makes me feel I have lost the control of my own life. And I need my life under self control (I’ll dig into that deeper later in another post) to be okay. 

I’m in Landsberg the last 2 weeks. I’ve cleaned the entire house here (again), we had games nights, I made some drinks, michael made dinner every night, I’ve watched Netflix and read a lot, I wrote the final chapter of my book, retouched the Final documentary, plan some projects although I’ve tried to be as distant as possible from work. I went for some walks outside, I played in the sun, I listen to a new music album, I slept super late, I slept super early, I missed calls, I called people back. 

Life has been an incredible journey. The most in silence I get, the most I’m able to see it. The most I’m able to understand, the most I’m able to answer some questions about myself. 

In silence I realize what relationships really matters and which ones don’t even exist. I put things back in place, I gain back the confidence I needed and I structure again the order of the things that have gone out of place long ago. And I didn’t notice, because all the noise around. 

Yesterday I was in the mood to go back to all the noise around me. I called Markus and After talking for an hour he told me to download an app called party house. “-It makes it easier to talk that way, we can see each other!”, he said. I have downloaded it, installed it. Added some contacts that I know are always in the mood to talk cause it makes no sense to add everyone there I think And after that, I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I look into his face and saw the perfect growing beard and hair that he hates and I love! 

Until Julius called me 1:44 am wondering why I’m not answering his messages on Instagram and what’s app and asking me if I am doing all right. 

Until I see jay and vivi, and mizu and we play silly games almost entirely in silence just looking to each other while they simultaneously smokes on their balcony. Until Jessica calls me now every five minutes just to laugh about our faces on the phone screen, and until Isabela invades every singe chat room that I am in with a glass of gin tonic. 

Until Claryce keeps messaging me herlself as singing emojis, until Rebeca and I explore all features that iMessages has to offer. Until Lisa FaceTimes me in the shower. I miss normal life! But I love quarantine. Can you feel me ? 

These people and so many others have always been there for me. Even when I am not there myself. Even knowing I was out of social media’s platforms they kept messaging an Ylie they knew was not online. Am I have asked this morning: “-why you kept messaging me even knowing I was not online?“. The answer  was “- you’d be back one day wouldn’t you?”. That’s true, makes sense! 

I realized something I didn’t know until last night: more precious than being in silence, is being in silence together. I hope the world comes back to normal soon, and I’ll be super happy when it does, believe me. But isolation has teaching me something priceless. I’m never alone, unless if I want to be. And I guess there’s so much more I’m yet to learn in the following weeks. 

This evening I’m driving to SMÜ and later in the week I’m gonna head back to Wunder for the next 2 weeks probably.