The human right to be me

“He’s in Wunder again, I guess he is already fine!”

“Ah! He was smiling in the stories and dancing with their friends, I guess he’s moving on”

 “- He is posting on timeline as normal”, “He is answering text messages backs, I guess he is not feeling so bad anymore”

 “Is he working? Really?”

“What? His father died? But he seemed fine during the whole meeting!”

And the list goes on. We are not taught to deal with loss in any level. Specially to deal with the loss that death causes. There’s nothing about “feeling better” in my life right now. “Feeling better” will take some time to be truth in my life. 

I’ve decided not to hold myself of doing what I want to do. What I’m feeling like doing. If I’m feeling like to be in silence that’s what I’m gonna do. If I feel like sharing a selfie with a friend that’s what I do. You don’t remember people died 24/7. And life, happens again in this small gaps. In the small minutes of the day where you brain gives you a break of mourning. Usually happens when you’re around people. And what I do is to create memories. As I always do. “Should I post this? Or if I do so, people will already assume I’m doing fine and not suffering my fathers death?”

Happens that pain is not cancelled or minimized by exercising your human nature of daily living! With a selfie or not the pain is there, you just can’t see it. A smile can hide many things remember? But in this case, I’m not even hiding anything with a smile. My smile is there as always was. Genuine! And after that, it will give space for the pain to come to surface again. I’ll live it and I’ll forget it. And in five minutes it will come again, I’ll live it and I’ll forget It. And after 30 minutes it will be here again. and I will catch myself in the train repeating to my self in a whisper: My dad died, my dad died, my dad died... trying to believe it. 

I’ll forget the sadness after 2 hours talking my heart out to Lukas without even realizing that I haven’t even asked yet how he is doing. And I’ll live my pain to the maximum again once he’s gone and I’m left alone with myself. 

I’ll forget when Martin goes on top of the table and I join him to the Macarena song. And I’ll remember again when the song is over. I’ll forget when Michael is in front of me talking about his day. And when he turns the tv on, I’ll remember again. I’ll forget when Markus walks in talking on the phone and I get so distracted by the tone of his voice, that I love! 

I’ll forget when Jay asks me about Metro. I’ll forget when Bella comes over. When I get a notification on my what’s app groups. When I’m on Netflix... and then, it will all come again. 

I’ll forget when I’m sleeping over at Julius cause he quietly listened me for so long that there’s isn’t a train anymore for me to get home in time. I forget it when I go though his records and pick one to fall asleep listening to it. Till I get up and turn it off because he just won’t. 

People need to stop assuming things by what they see and think they know based on social media. I really don’t mind. But I can imagine that it can destroy anyone else being through what I’ve been through to hear: “- oh, I’m so happy you’re already doing fine!” You make people feel like shit if you do that. 

“How are you feeling?” Is a very general question. On a daily basis I already dislike the “how are you feeling?” question because 95% of people uses it as a modern way of saying hello! And it’s not polite, it is rude! shows that you, just as half of the world are not interesting in hearing how people are really doing. And if you’re not, say it a simple: - Hi Ylie! What’s up? And cut it short like that. Or you’re risking to hear me speaking straight away for the next 2 hours how I’m really feeling. Cause I’m feeling a lot at the moment. So, before to make me this question make sure you have time and you mean it. That’s what I do when I ask people “how’s life”. If you give me a hug this days, then embrace me in your arms, hold me tight, kiss my forehead and say nothing until I feel like letting you go. If you’re not up for it, then just shake my hands!

Because I’m a free person today, I’m able to live and experience my pain the way It comes to me. The way I feel like, and the way I want to. Most of the people will stop posting, stop talking to each other for a while, stop seeing friends, stop social media a turn theirs what's app status off so people won’t see if they’re really active or if they’re “properly” mourning the death of loved ones according to society standards. Because we were taught to believe that pain needs to be very theatrical. 

I’m not saying that there are not people that choose to process pain in a reclusive way. I also did and I still do as well. I’m sure some of them do. 

But the most, will now have 2 kinds of pain to deal with: the mourning and the judgment. And maybe the second one hurts a little bit more. Cause to be not understood or to do not understand is the root of every human pain. Of every human mask. Of every human fear. Rejection! 

On this Saturday, 7 days later. I’m still feeling as sad as I was last week. With some moments of relief. And some very long hugs I’ve been given this days by some people that gets what I am saying  helped me a lot as well. 

And of course there’s the ones that pretend not to know anything. Hey, how are you? And I go like: - my father passed away last week. And the people go like: - yes, I know! Well if you know why do you pretend you don’t? Duh! It doesn’t make me mad. In the end you just don’t know how to act. And is not anybody’s fault. The pain is mine. Is my job to deal with. So, even knowing that here’s Some education next time someone dies in the life of people around you: 

- Hey, I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I don’t really know what to say that’s why I haven’t say anything so far. I’m sorry for your lost. 

Dont tell people “let me know if there’s something I can do for you” cause you have a full time job and barely time for yourself. Imagine to assist someone else at the moment. It is not polite. It is a false politness. Most of people says that without having in mind the sacrifices that it would demand to them to hear an “Actually, there’s something you can do for me, I neee to pick it up some flowers for the funeral 6am in the morning in Munich and I don’t feel like getting up the bed, could you do it?” Imagine how embarrassing for you would have To say “sorry I can’t!” or  also don’t tell people “I know what you’ve been through“ and turn the whole conversation about your own pain. Pains are differently manifested. Experiences are different. 

Yesterday at Wunder it was double birthday party. Mother and daughter. Tonight there’s another double one, of 2 friends.

 From everything that happens at Wunder, birthday parties are my favorites because we get to celebrate life! And it makes the difference. 

I won’t be at Wunder tonight. My body needs this weekend to calm down. But for those of you going there, please make sure to live as if there’s no tomorrow. Cause sometimes, there isn’t. Have a shot on me in my fathers memory tonight. 

Make everyday count. Please!